How to Honor and Support Your Child’s Identity Development

Your child’s identity development is happening right now. This can be scary and exciting at the same time. Identity is shaped by a lot of factors, including:

• Family life 
• Interactions with peers 
• Their unique experiences

Ideally, your child is meeting people of similar and different backgrounds. Whether they’re a toddler, teen, or almost an adult, their development is in progress. They’re learning about language, who they are, and how to live confidently in their skin.

As a parent, you play a critical role in your child’s identity development. You’re showing your child, through your words and actions, how you live in your identity. It’s important to recognize that you and how you live your life aren’t the only factors that contribute to your child’s identity development. However, it’s crucial that you support them and lead by example. 

So how do you make sure you’re demonstrating confidence instead of doubt? How can you support your child as they become the person they’re meant to be?

The Stages of Your Child’s Identity Development 

Identity development is influenced by many external and internal factors. Some determinants are:

• Home environment.
• Exposure to cultural traditions and values. 
• Interactions with peers of different races.
• Ethnic-racial priming¹. 

Ethnic-racial priming is a process that occurs during your child’s first year of life. It’s a pattern of recognition that’s due to exposure and not any inherent preferences. Between three and six months, a child starts to show ethnic-racial preferences. These depend on who they’ve been exposed to the most. By nine months, they struggle to recognize faces from less familiar racial and ethnic groups. 

Between the ages of eleven and twelve, your child is developing deductive reasoning and abstract thinking skills. Their ability to analyze situations and social consequences influences their view of their racial-ethnic identity. If you’re a parent of a mixed child, these are formative years for them in terms of their racial identity. 

Adolescence comes with new challenges. Erik Erikson’s theory on psychosocial development talks about the effects of different relationships and experiences that contribute to identity formation. In adolescence (ages twelve to twenty-four), we start to interact more with others in our neighborhoods, communities, and schools³. 

Experiences in childhood and adolescence can have a lasting impact on your child’s identity development. However, their perceptions and feelings toward critical events can change. They’re likely to change as they age and experience perceptual and cognitive growth.

If you’re struggling to support your child, it’s not too late to help them form a healthy identity. I know you want to help set them up for success and happiness. 

How Does a Lack of Support Impact Your Child’s Identity Development?

Your child’s identity development can be fragile. 

Some children may not have support inside the home. They might receive support from peers, mentors, or other authority figures. Support may be lacking inside the home, even though you want to relate to your child and help them. 

Maybe you adopted your child and you struggle to relate to their experiences. This is common when an adopted child is a different race or from another culture. Maybe you’re the only parent and your child doesn’t have a role model for a certain part of their identity. If this is the case and you’re reading this now, I encourage you to let go of any shame you feel. Some parents and children need additional support to understand and connect with each other.  

Identity confusion can lead to:

• Mental health issues
• Reckless behavior
• Poor overall well-being⁴

While adolescents are particularly vulnerable, these consequences don’t just disappear when they become adults. It’s important to be proactive if you’re in one of these situations, or if you think your child is struggling with identity and self-esteem.

Unique Challenges for Mixed Girls and Their Racial Identity Development

Your child’s identity development may be endangered by certain challenges and experiences. For mixed girls, there are a lot of societal pressures and stigmas that make it difficult for us to feel comfortable in our skin. Mixed girls come up against biases and expectations that mixed-race males and African American males (as one example) don’t usually experience. 

Some distinctive challenges that mixed girls face include:

• Scrutiny of their appearance (such as hair or other physical features). 
• Bias related to romantic desirability (for example, white males not wanting to date them because of their race²). 
• Racial stereotypes related to their behavior (for example, being seen as loud or aggressive).

These stereotypes and treatments can damage your child’s identity development. They can confuse the parts of their identity that relate to race, gender, and culture. 

I once posted a picture of myself online when I started playing with the idea of wearing my “natural” curls. I got comments saying that I looked Mexican. While it didn’t offend me, I questioned what I looked like with straightened hair or a combed-out afro. Since 2017, I have worn nothing but my curly hair and I’m loving every minute of learning about it. I love the skin I’m in, and I can only be me. 

This isn’t the case for many who haven’t received the support they need to feel confident and accepted for who they are. For some, they struggle to accept themselves because their experiences kept them from the path to self-acceptance and love.

Unfortunately, racism, sexism, and bullying will always be present. You can’t protect your child from everything. Here’s what you can do to support your child’s identity development process so they feel secure and capable.

What You Can Do to Support Your Child’s Identity Development

Here are some ways you can help your child embrace their identity. 

1. Encourage open communication. 

Be open and honest about your feelings and experiences. When your children open up to you, listen to understand. Validate their feelings, and don’t assume what they need from you.

As a parent, it can be difficult to let your children figure things out on their own. However, sometimes all your child wants is for you to listen and be there for them. They don’t always appreciate, want, need, or accept advice. 

Of course, sometimes you have to tell your child what to do and be proactive in guiding them. It takes time and effort to figure out how to speak to them and respect their opinions and experiences. 

2. Work on yourself. 

Your child’s identity development is impacted by what they experience. Their daily interactions at home, at school, and in their community make up their truth. 

If you have insecurities and identity issues, you may be projecting fears and expectations onto your child. 

It’s important to cultivate confidence in yourself and your identity. Then, your child will know it’s ok to be who they are. 

I learned so much about who I was as a black woman from my mother. She taught me how to dress, communicate amidst challenges, and embrace my culture. She showed me how to stand up for myself in a difficult and sometimes not-so-kind world. Our parents show us how they live in their identities. This either encourages or discourages us from embracing ours. 

3. Seek out coaching. 

Your child’s identity development won’t be a straight line. If you’re the parent of a mixed girl, you need to add someone to their support team. If your child needs help, find a coach who has walked in their shoes. Someone who relates can help with your child’s identity development and the overall health of your family.

I work with teens and their parents with identity and diversity challenges. I use positive psychology, wellness coaching, and compassion-focused therapy. All this is to help your child embrace the truth of who they are. There are no one-size-fits-all strategies in my coaching. 

Reach out if you need a coach who uses empathy and research-based practices to empower mixed girls. My goal is to help your child cultivate self-awareness, mindfulness, and confidence in who she is and wants to be.

1. http://byrdlab.wordpress.ncsu.edu/files/2020/12/A-Lifespan-Model-of-Ethnic-Racial-Identity.pdf 
2. https://files.eric.ed.gov/fulltext/ED607161.pdf 
3. https://epublications.marquette.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1030&context=gjcp 
4. https://www.researchgate.net/profile/Daisy-Sharma-3/publication/350750748_Impact_of_identity_process_on_psychological_well-being_of_adolescents/links/606fd9934585150fe993baef/Impact-of-identity-process-on-psychological-well-being-of-adolescents.pdf