Dealing with racist family members is far more common than many people realize. As much as I would like to say that we’re bound to one another by blood and that family is everything, that’s not true for everyone.
I can speak from experience and tell you that being related to someone doesn’t mean they have to be in your life. Sometimes having them in your life is harmful to your mental and/or physical well-being.
If your child is:
- An adopted child of a different race
- Mixed while the rest of your family is one race
- A different race than some of your family members
You’ll likely deal with racist family members. Some are well-meaning individuals who don’t realize they’re being discriminatory and hurting your family. However, that isn’t an excuse.
As a parent of mixed children, you may have to defend your children and teach them how to stand up for themselves and others. This also applies if your child is a member of a minority group, or if they’re a different race than the rest of your family.
Let’s go over how to deal with racist family members in healthy and effective ways.
Different Types of Discrimination Your Mixed Child May Face
Racism and discrimination are not always overt. You may have racist family members who try to claim their hurtful words and actions are well-intentioned.
Your child may experience:
- Racist comments
- Differential treatment
- Passive-aggressive “jokes”
Racism and discrimination can take many forms. It can be challenging to stand up to racist family members. Their shameful behavior and beliefs may be new and surprising to you.
If your child is mixed, they may be on the receiving end of hurtful nicknames like “mud” or “mutt.”
They may also experience pure hatred. Some people aren’t afraid to show their contempt for those who are different from them. These are not the only challenges we face as mixed girls and women, but they’re some of the heaviest ones.
Unsurprisingly, a study involving biracial adults found that intrafamilial racism contributed to identity conflict¹. Out of the 204 participants, 57% had answered “yes” or “maybe” when asked if they’d experienced discrimination from family.
As an adult, you likely know that someone’s hateful words and actions have nothing to do with you. They’re a reflection of that person, their insecurities, and their hurt. However, your child may not understand this. That’s why it’s crucial to know how to deal with racist family members to protect your child and their mental health.
How to Deal with Racist Family Members
You may have to physically distance yourself from racist family members, especially if discrimination is continuous. Regardless of who it’s coming from or how long it has been happening, you must do what is best for you, your child, and your family.
Children will pick up on everything, even if they don’t fully comprehend what’s happening. If your child has been exposed to racism in any form, it’s important to take steps to preserve their well-being and identity development.
Here are ways you can be proactive.
- Address comments or actions when they occur.
Even if your child is young, you can start small and explore conversations about:
- Life challenges
- Self-acceptance
- Racism throughout history
When they’re old enough to understand race, don’t shy away from those conversations.
Sometimes kids don’t feel comfortable talking about what they are facing. However, it’s important that you keep the line of communication open. Being vulnerable with them and creating a safe space for them to share goes a long way.
You may think that not talking about race is a good way to protect your child. In reality, it’s quite the opposite.
Studies have shown that:
- Not talking to your children about race-related topics can make racially informed situations difficult for them to navigate²
- Having conversations and proactively addressing incidents of racism improves mental health outcomes for children³
Being proactive usually means setting boundaries.
- Set boundaries.
This may mean keeping your family away from racist family members.
In some cases, your family members may respect your boundaries and do their part to learn more and do better.
I encourage you to first ask your family members if they understand that their words and actions are discriminatory. You can then ask them if they’d be willing to learn about an alternate way of living and thinking. If they still give you pushback, you may have to accept loving them from a distance for the good of your family.
Even if you cut these individuals out of your life, your child can still feel the effects of their mistreatment. It’s important to seek professional help in these cases.
- Get additional support for your child.
The hurt from racism and discrimination runs deep. It can continue to affect individuals well into adulthood. Some common side effects of this type of treatment are:
- Identity issues
- Poor mental health
- Unhealthy relationships
My transformational coaching for mixed girls and their parents/guardians can help your child build confidence in their identity and purpose. They’ll cultivate the inner tools they need to handle racist family members and other challenges they face.
Our relationship with ourselves and our identities dictates our thoughts, beliefs, and actions. Make sure that this relationship is strong for your child.
Don’t Let Racist Family Members Have a Lasting Impact on Your Family
A few racist comments or actions may seem insignificant, but they have a lasting effect on your child as they learn more about their identity.
If you decide not to address racist family members, you may be teaching your child that it’s okay to allow someone to hurt them if they “love them.” Your example will set a new standard in your home, your life, and your child’s life forever. No one deserves to be hurt by racism in any of its ugly forms.
Reach out for professional support if you or your child are struggling to navigate life as a mixed-race girl or a parent/guardian of a mixed girl.
Dr. KayLa N. Allen is an International Motivational Speaker (Diversity, Identity, Leadership, and Girls and Women’s Empowerment), Thought Leader, and Multicultural Girls Transformational Coach (Diversity, Identity, and Leadership Coaching) – Certified Health and Well-Being Coach (for Multicultural Girls). Learn more about her Dear Mixed Girl services and how you can begin your journey through professional/leadership transformation and personal evolution/personal development by clicking the button below.